strange happenings....

it started with an invitation to house sit on mercer island for a friend of my neighbors. i jumped at the chance to have a little peace and quiet and room to myself. it started with her cat milo and his loud meowing in the bedroom. the sort of meow that is heard when a cat is very adament about being fed. i went into the bedroom only to find the cat hiding under the bed. the first night i fell asleep there i don't actually remember laying down and going to sleep but i had vivid dreams all night long about trying a red hooded dress on and not being able to figure out how it is supposed to be worn. when i woke up in the morning i was asleep on the couch. i walked into her bedroom to find the same red dress i had been trying on in my dream laid across her bed while one of the lamps in the corner was knocked over and the shades on two of the windows had been adjusted. i was baffled and shocked. i have never ever sleep walked in my life yet i had this very vague recollection of what had gone on in the bedroom the night before. the day went on and i went on with my sewing and watching tv. this would be punctuated by milo wandering into the kitchen and protesting loudly to no one i could see. i got the very distinct feeling i was being watched. none of the curtains would go down all the way and i just had this distinct feeling that someone was looking in. cubboards in the kitchen would open. the cat food was moved. drawers opened. i didn't know what to think. at one point i left to get out for a bit and upon returning couldn't find the key. i dumped everything out. no key. i began to panic but when i look down one last time i see the key sitting right in the middle of where i had just been sure there was no key. i am blown away but frightened. once inside i begin to have a panic attack that hits me so badly i begin to hyperventilate and call 911 afraid of passing out. i also call my parents to please come get me. i accidentally took two doses of my muscle relaxer and that intensifies my panic. i go down to meet the medics and they stay with me until i am calm. my dad is on the way. i go back up to wait for my dad and get my things together and when i go into the room things have been moved around. i step out the door and turn around to see the blanket is now in a different position and it looks like someone is sitting under it. i panic and my dad finally shows up. i gather my things and babble nonsense all the way home. at home things get worse. i go into my room and i put my sewing supplies into my desk but the desk begins to shake violently. the only things that fall are my sewing trims. as i pick them up i notice the plastic wand used for opening my blinds is moving back and forth as if someone is tapping it. my parents assure me i am having hallucinations from a overdose of my muscle relaxer. i agree. sort of. i go ahead and fall asleep exhausted after forcing my mother to sit up with me. the next day i am trying to convince myself that its all in my head. i have pretty much gotten over the whole thing until i begin hanging a poster up on my wall and the corner of it is pulled violently toward my dresser as the large pieces of packing tape i have stuck on the edge of my desk all flutter to the floor. the rest of the day is quiet. i get ready to go to bed around midnight. i turn the light in my room off and as i turn over to go to sleep i see this black misty shadow curl through the corner of my window so i flip the light on. it is now what looks like a mist hovering in the corner. i see little balls of light bounce off the walls and across me. they look like reflections but there is nothing in my room that could be causing this crazy hyper little balls of light. i grab a notebook and begin writing down everything that has been going on and as i do this i notice the light to my right begins glowing brighter and brighter until my entire room is bright. the entire time i am feeling my bed tremble in a very low rumble. the same way i would feel the couch rumble over on mercer island. it was very obvious while also feeling subtle. i watched the mist hover up near my ceiling as i wrote everything down. i felt a prressure on my hand as i wrote and i wonder if that was just nerves, while the light bounced on me i felt a cool breeze . i began praying after i finished writing and a peace just came over me. i felt calm and was able to curl up and fall asleep. when i woke up i felt the energy was gone. i have done some research and feel as if i had a very intense encounter with something i cannot explain. everything has been calm. bitsey began wagging her tail and whining at something behind me tonight and the cat has been going crazy but i can easily brush that off. i do not feel fearful as i am safe in my faith. i have a very tranquil peace now. but man, that was a trippy weekend!

my heart is mourning the loss of j.d salinger

it's been a bit since i last unloaded my thoughts here but the author i've always cited as my favorite passed away on january 28th, 2010. here is what people magazine had to say.
" J.D. Salinger, whose iconic novel Catcher in the Rye is considered a cultural high point of the middle 20th century, died Wednesday. He was 91.

The reclusive author died of natural causes at his home in Cornish, N.H., his son said in a statement released by Salinger’s literary representative. The Manhattan-born and raised Salinger had lived for more than 50 years in self-imposed isolation in New England.

Jerome David Salinger earned his lofty reputation with his 1951 novel about iconoclastic teenager Holden Caulfield. The writer also became something of a legend for, among many things, turning down decades’ worth of requests from Hollywood to turn his most famous work into a movie.

Besides Catcher, Salinger also wrote the collection Nine Stories and two compilations, each with two long stories about the fictional Glass family. They were Franny and Zooey and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction. " - people magazine

all of my college years were spent with a ratty and tattered copy of franny and zooey in my purse. it was the book that i felt defined me at that time. anyone who knew me then would tell you how much i loved Salinger and all of his work. Especially the first love of my literary life. Brent Nichols. r.i.p salinger. and thank you for the gifts you left us through your work.

* look and see what the best selling items are on etsy.
* go to as many flea markets, antique malls and estate sales as possible. no ontly to find orignal items to incorporate into my art but also to be inspired.
* write down every single idea that comes to me no matter where or when that is. always keeep a little book of ideas on me.
* ask deanna if i can sew with her so as to have a wonderful influence in my life but also work as her apprentice a day a week so that i am always learning new sewing tricks
* DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF to be influenced by others negativity or jealousy. Remember that they are jealous becasue they see something they want and don't have. i am a threat to them. I am that good. if one person sees me that way i will use that as a way to encourage me and work even harder.
* Spend at least five hours out of the day during the week on work. including trips to fabric and craft stores.
* make it a point to go to more art galleries here in seattle. maybe once a month. also, pay attention to local artists. also, become farmiliar with famous artists who have added so much color to our world through out history.
* DO NOT LET ANYONES cruel words get to me. That is giving them the response they want. I will not allow toxic, cruel, manipulative, dishonest, needy ass holes into my world. I will not let them poison me. Instead i will only spend my time with people who are good, honest and most of all.. those who sincerely love me and accept me as i am which in turn makes me want to strive to be the best person i can possibly be.

that is all i have right now but i will keep this going as long as i keep my blog asn as long as it all comes to me.

CRAFT:

the key to success is...

today i heard someone say that the key to success is working 4 times harder than everyone else. the truth in that saying felt like that light bulb everyone talks about lit up and illuminated even the darkest parts of my brain. i am a talented artist, seamstress and craft goddess. i LOVE being creative. if i was to provide the details of my dream job it would be me waking up in my own loft or studio. a studio that felt like a museum in and of itself. rich velvet drapes, brocade wall papers, bookshelves full of first editions, classic literature and over sized hard to find fashion books. my place would be a bit gypse, dash of bohemian, a big part opium den and the rest will be filled in with artifacts found in my travels, flea markets and estate sales. anyway.. so i would wake up, have my cup of tea on my little balcony overlooking the sea and once awake i would slip into paint splattered, patched up, ripped apart 70's style bell bottom overalls. you know, the overalls marc jacobs recreated a few years back. the only notable difference is that mine actually tell a story. every hue of paint was my version of a tattoo. i.e the gold was from the first album cover i was commisioned to design. the dusty blue were the color i used for favorite boyfriend's eyes in the my first attempt at portait pop surrealism styled.
once i am clean, clothed and the tea has kicked in i put on a jow cocker and begin to sew, paint of create whatever it is that i have been working on at the time... i would work all day in my home. in order to keep from feeling housebound i would walk or hop in my vintage convertible (whatever that may be) and i would zip down for lunch break at a bistro or spend an hour poking around the antique mall. sometimes i will stay up until the sun is peeking up over the hill. sometimes i will sleep well into the afternoon. i will look back at this difficult time in my life. i will think about my light bulb moment and how that changed everything for me. i will be grateful eternally to whoever it was i heard it from because it was that kick in the ass i needed. i am inspired, excited, determined and ready to take on this challenge!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now have and idea of the life i want. i have goals now. i have every tool i need to see this through and it would only be laziness if i didn't grab a hold of this one and let my God given talents take me all the way.

sister morphine

i can never really sleep before my early doctors appointments. this morning i get my morphine refill. i have been trying to cut back on my own and some days i do really well. others not so much. yesterday morning i woke up in so much pain i could hardly move. i honestly felt like i was beat and bruised. even my arms which are usually pretty pain free felt the wrath. i got up. took half a dilaudid and waited for the pain to subside. the worst thing about having fibromyalgia is actually all of the things that come along with it. or at least are considered to either be caused by it or cause it. for example. my vitamin D levels have been known to dip down to 11. it should be somewhere between 40-60. because my levels were so low i was advised to go in for a dexa scan where they measure the mineral density of your bones. three years ago i was already well into having osteopenia which is what comes right before osteoperosis. despite mega doses of calcium and vitamin D i now officially have osteoperosis. also, people with fibro have very little serotonin in their bodies and have a very very difficult time making it. although i have been put on a drug called Savella which is supposed to keep what serotonin i do have i am still running on near empty. i can now say that i have been truly in the bleakest depression at times. so bleak that i would have had killed myself happily if i didn't have such a loving family. i have isolated myself something awful however now and think it would be truthful to say that this blog is just about the only communication i have with the outside world. sometimes i rally for a day with my favorite girl rhaychell. when i am with her i am happy. she gets me and loves me as i am. and i her. she's sort of this huge diamond in my life. if i keep on like this i am going to start getting sucked down and throwing THE CURE into heavy rotation. i am going to go smoke a cigarette in the chilly morning air and think on happy things like diet coke and red lips

me and my rhaychell. xo

carolyn bessette kennedy (my earliest fashion icon)

i still remember the first time i saw a photograph of carolyn bessette. i must have been something like 16. i was working at starbucks when their plane went down and i remember that morning vividly. i had been keeping my fashion journals even back then and had clipped every photo of her i could find. what i loved most about her was her simple classic style. it was so iconic. she stood out from everyone around her. i loved her long coats, her short pants, her thick headband. when i was at the thrift store i kept my eye out for those same styles and still to this day have a collection of carolyn coats. i am just feeling very carolyn this morning. i am going to pull my hair back tight and maybe dawn the red lips this morning for my doctors appointment. i know that it may not be the most exciting place to rock her style to but this is coming from a girl who is a little bit house bound. its a big deal when i leave. here are some photos to remember her by

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vanessa paradis may be the most lovely of them all

my favorite movie of all time is, "The Girl On The Bridge." i love that movie more than any movie i have ever seen... goosebumps for this scene always...

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i love vanessa in this film. she is the embodiment of dreamy. she won johnny depps heart and i will be honest. as far as men go. he is it. the end all be all. by the way, i have no words for the way marianne faithful singing, "who will take my dreams away" makes me feel and always has. i am such a sensitive little creature over here. i must be especially sleepy. that is the only way to explain away my sentimental mood. i also adore vanessa's truly fucked up teeth that remind me of my own. she doesn't fix them and i love her for that. she truly is so real that i can't help but want to be her

goodnight.

it would be a lie ...(reality bites)

....if i were to say that i don't have a severe attatchment to my anorexia-esque eating approach although this time it is healthier. i am being nourished. i am eating things other than salsa and steamed carrots. i just keep my calories low enough to keep be bone thin. i especially am clinging to the hope that i will be happy again when i am in control of my food even more than i already am. i am hoping i will be happy when i am not in so much pain. when the idea of stumbling through brierwood actually sounds like a great idea. trust me, sometimes it does. right now my phone has 21 text messages that i have no desire to scroll through. i have missed calls and i don't give a fuck who is calling. my shades are drawn. my room is dark. i actually fixed my blonde hair today. that is huge. i am in a reality bites mood. i am feeling 100% winona today. you know what i mean....you remember the way she sulks and chain smokes while unloading her totally heavy heart to some phone psychic... that is me.

today. im listening to my reality bites soundtrack and then i am going to wallow in self pity but totally smile about it. then i am going to dig some obscene deep book out of my book collection. something like chomsky and i am going to call myself a saint. saint drakeula. amen. whos with me? by the way, winona has pretty much dated everyone i have ever wanted in hollywood. amazing. beck. depp.dave mother-fuckin grohl. i mean the list goes on.













im pretty sure she will alwaysd be queen of the 90's to me. such a remarkable beauty. i love you winona~!

hot pants (with the zipper in the back)

they are coming back ladies! holla. i for one am excited over this spring trend. it fills me with great happiness. it's true that i will have to hit the gym a little harder but hey, it's a great motivation. james brown has a few words on the subject.

xo.

tying your shoes was always so cool

sometimes i am sorry that life happened the way it did when i met him. i have always said that he was my favorite boyfriend. i admired him more than even the ex husband who in reality wasn't someone i can say i ever admired. it was more sympathy and pity i felt for the ex husband.
i thought my life would be full of people who just "got" me the way casy did. sadly no one has. it was all the little things with casy. it was mix tapes. afternoons getting drunk and playing human cannon ball. this obviously led to awesome make-out sessions which in turn led to the best sex i have ever had. still to this day. we were totally broke all of the time and we lived off white rice and stolen sauces. it was never beneath us to steal as many plastic hoisen sauce bottles from the teriyaki joints we frequented. as well as condiments such as ketsup. he sent me a care package when i was in maui with vel. it was licorice, photobooth pics and love letters. we loved jawbreaker, gummies, asian grocery stores, thrifting, typewriters, wes anderson flicks, kevin smith quotes, waxwing, $2 beer night at the hurricane, christian punk bands with whom we were raised. casy took the longest to get over. he just punched his AWKWARD fist through my life. when he said he was awkward it was the truest thing he could of said. everything about us was a total john hughes film. there were a lot of memories i never forgot. most of the men in my life have been forgetable. they have dressed a certain way, acted a certain way all in a lame attempt to play the seattle boy part but casy was always just casy. very much his own being. never ever imitating others. i admire that. obviously. even when we battled our own depression in seattle it was never angsty or pity parties but rather it was just hunkering down with one another and sleeping all day. there was a lot of whiskey talking and record playing. i was still young and playing on my own. i wanted my freedom and i pushed him out. we are still friendly.... from a distance. he lives in san francisco these days. he plays shows in seattle but i haven't made it to one yet. i'm a little afraid of seeing him. i'm afraid i will be sad when he goes.

biba (lust)

i first fell on my face for biba when i was working at Enexile with Deanna. She came in with what i now think of as fashion's version of the bible. if i could fill my wardrobe with only vintage biba dresses you can be sure i would then be the happiest girl in all the land. back in biba's heyday they had a boutique that was decorated in rich velvet's, brocades and just exactly you would imagine a bohemian opium den would look like. when i have my own space again i will decorate it exactly that way. it makes a girl like me want to curl up in a perfect little space like that. i used to paint biba inspired prints. the following photos are either biba or they are biba inspired and exactly how i see biba when i close my eyes and dream..

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lust worthy isn't it? it's just the way i want to be seen. if i had all the money in the world i am sure this is where the majority of it would be spent... it would all go towards making my world 100% biba breathed. xoxo.