sister morphine

i can never really sleep before my early doctors appointments. this morning i get my morphine refill. i have been trying to cut back on my own and some days i do really well. others not so much. yesterday morning i woke up in so much pain i could hardly move. i honestly felt like i was beat and bruised. even my arms which are usually pretty pain free felt the wrath. i got up. took half a dilaudid and waited for the pain to subside. the worst thing about having fibromyalgia is actually all of the things that come along with it. or at least are considered to either be caused by it or cause it. for example. my vitamin D levels have been known to dip down to 11. it should be somewhere between 40-60. because my levels were so low i was advised to go in for a dexa scan where they measure the mineral density of your bones. three years ago i was already well into having osteopenia which is what comes right before osteoperosis. despite mega doses of calcium and vitamin D i now officially have osteoperosis. also, people with fibro have very little serotonin in their bodies and have a very very difficult time making it. although i have been put on a drug called Savella which is supposed to keep what serotonin i do have i am still running on near empty. i can now say that i have been truly in the bleakest depression at times. so bleak that i would have had killed myself happily if i didn't have such a loving family. i have isolated myself something awful however now and think it would be truthful to say that this blog is just about the only communication i have with the outside world. sometimes i rally for a day with my favorite girl rhaychell. when i am with her i am happy. she gets me and loves me as i am. and i her. she's sort of this huge diamond in my life. if i keep on like this i am going to start getting sucked down and throwing THE CURE into heavy rotation. i am going to go smoke a cigarette in the chilly morning air and think on happy things like diet coke and red lips

me and my rhaychell. xo

carolyn bessette kennedy (my earliest fashion icon)

i still remember the first time i saw a photograph of carolyn bessette. i must have been something like 16. i was working at starbucks when their plane went down and i remember that morning vividly. i had been keeping my fashion journals even back then and had clipped every photo of her i could find. what i loved most about her was her simple classic style. it was so iconic. she stood out from everyone around her. i loved her long coats, her short pants, her thick headband. when i was at the thrift store i kept my eye out for those same styles and still to this day have a collection of carolyn coats. i am just feeling very carolyn this morning. i am going to pull my hair back tight and maybe dawn the red lips this morning for my doctors appointment. i know that it may not be the most exciting place to rock her style to but this is coming from a girl who is a little bit house bound. its a big deal when i leave. here are some photos to remember her by

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vanessa paradis may be the most lovely of them all

my favorite movie of all time is, "The Girl On The Bridge." i love that movie more than any movie i have ever seen... goosebumps for this scene always...

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i love vanessa in this film. she is the embodiment of dreamy. she won johnny depps heart and i will be honest. as far as men go. he is it. the end all be all. by the way, i have no words for the way marianne faithful singing, "who will take my dreams away" makes me feel and always has. i am such a sensitive little creature over here. i must be especially sleepy. that is the only way to explain away my sentimental mood. i also adore vanessa's truly fucked up teeth that remind me of my own. she doesn't fix them and i love her for that. she truly is so real that i can't help but want to be her

goodnight.