bardot, bardot

i miss my dark hair and pale pale skin. i do. my heart is a brunette. my soul as well. i am not quite ready to give up the bleach bottle tho. i am still channeling and loving brigitte bardot

& her bouffant ponytails,

















cat eyes,
layers of false lashes,
cigarette pants










,
loose elegant buns










,
vanessa paradis and french films....
Spring is busting out a little bit and i am so happy for the sunshine and rose blossoms. Even if it means swim suit season is coming. I feel as if i am breathlessly waiting for sunny mornings eating fresh fruit, sipping my morning tea and stretching out my long tan legs on the back patio. i love that i am so much closer to skinny the last few years. i best take advantage of the will power and discipline while i am still young. you can bet i will at least try to shimmy into my own pair of dolce and gabanna or dior hot pants so perfectly knocked off by our friendly forever 21. it feels perfect being a size eight, as long as i am walking everything fits exactly as i like. size six feels too gaunt while ten feels heavy. my existence as an anorexic was miserable. when i replaced drugs with food i was already broken and miserable so...forget it.
i'm sad to say that the memories i should have of living on capitol hill with Kel in my favorite apartment, working with the ladies at enexile, falling in love with fashion, getting married to my best friend, just really really dear and precious memories I should have are there but they are so hazy. the anorexic haze. i drove past this beautiful antique trunk on the side of the road with a free sign on it just after moving home some couple of years ago. i re-papered the inside with a sweet vintage looking paper, threw in a few moth balls and with those awful sobs where your whole body is shaking and you can't imagine not dying from the hurt of it. my wedding dress, the jewelry my mother in law gave me, photobooth pictures, true romance dvd, hand written notes, birthday cards, a star wars toy i stole, stuffed animals, a couple records, mix cd's we had made over the years. my memories are not anorexic hazy when i listen to those songs. i could tell you what era exactly the mix was from and i could give you a memory for every song. you know there was the marysville era, capitol hill era, early west seattle era and the later west seattle era that i would be okay never revisiting. It feels good to talk write about it. I never ever talk about it to anyone. Much less in detail. I hated it when my friends felt it necessary to tell every single degrading detail about their ex directly after a break up. anyways.