i should have written sooner

i should have written sooner. i have been anxious to get my life put back together but am still in limbo with my disability verdict. they told me it shouldn't be later than february so i am really pretty sure i will know what they decided within a few weeks. i'm just wishin and hoping and thinking and prayin...
my mom and i went down to the university district's anthropologie on sunday after church. our excuse for driving out there was actually so we could find naomi's baby shower gift at the land of nod a few doors down. my mom was an anthropologie virgin up until sunday. the truth is i grew out of the rock n roll look. i feel silly in band hoodies, shredded denim, mini dresses, mini skirts, holey and snagged tights amd fishnets, motorcycle boots and jacket..etc.. my vintage rolling stones t shirt i bought for $60 at the flea market and then the cure's disintegration tour t shirt i sleep in every night. i am not ready to part with those items quite yet. i hope i keep them in an old musty trunk so i can pull it out to show my grand kids that their grandma always did love the rock n roll. anyway. so i have been in this strange clothing transition from rock to anthropologie. letting go of that image is for me a sort of starting over.
my starting over also includes finding new loves, new passions and so on. It also includes having a relationship with my Heavenly Father.I have started keeping a prayer journal in which i write my letters to Jesus and i imagine he really was my actual dad. i try to talk to him like i know what fathers and daughters talk about. it was difficult for me to understand how God wants his people to treat him. I know that i feel comfortable enough to break down in anger, grief, frusteration, misery, pain begging for the depression to go away. the body pain that is relentless, exhausting, losing out on life and being stuck in the house for most days out of the month. i am very comfortable with talking to Jesus about the breaks and broken parts of me. I lay my burdens at his feet. I listen to old kids praise songs because some times it really is comforting to love Jesus and praise Him as simply and as truly as i did when i was a child. Maybe if i had a healthy relationship with my dad, if i knew the way fathers and daughters are supposed to act. if i go back to the memories of my childhood with my dad i can remember loving the time we spent together. Maybe then i wouldn't find the relationship with God as our father so baffling. i wonder sometimes if i am trying my best to show my dad how much i love him and want to know him. it's easy for me to get bitter quickly if i dwell and so i refuse to dwell. But drawing close to Jesus and having God scrub my heart clean along with getting the depressive, opressive weighty spirits are no longer hanging on me and have been sent on their way...
So my days begin with a happiness in my heart, joy and light in my eyes. I am discovering how to love Him, fear Him and understand while trusting in Him. The bible says that God has a plan for my life. a plan to give me a future and a hope. i am His beloved. He has called me chosen for His kingdom and he loves me as I am.. i still have my struggles and i fail daily but i know that everyone has their own brand of crazy. I'm not alone and with Satan becoming so real, real enough to feel his cold breath on my neck it has made Jesus all the more real. i know angels are encamped around me and i am safe. they cannot hurt me. i have victory in Christ. He is my protection. my prayer daily is psalm 91 and the truth is, i have honestly been turning to those verses in that chapter for as long as i have been afraid of the dark. I am not afraid any longer. I really would love to find a place where i would be liked and i would be helpful and then volunteer my time there. i need to give back to the community. so im saying that goes on the list of things i'm planning on getting started today.
the list is going to go something like this

post ad on craigslist for sewing notions, fabric and so on.

look at job opportunities on craigslist.

update my resume

take compass test

try to find out if i can post on etsy with a simple visa cash card

keep on deconstructing, reassembling, tailoring, altering and trying to make pretty clothes out of recycled old clothing.

raid the clothing bins, dumpster dive at thrift stores and keep your eye our for free clothing that wont fit into the clothing recycle. try to come up with ways of cutting cost. get a tagging gun! keep reciepts, coupons and so on in purse so as to always have them when out shopping. talk rhaychell into driving to montana for a thrift store run. consider getting enough stuff together to have a booth at one of the flea markets.

make a list of etsys hottest sellers, look through and find ideas for crafting. i am 100% capable of making money on etsy from home. i just need to find my nitch and start pumping stuff out.

look around for an empty old 3 ring binder. start keeping track of only etsy ideas, inspiration, craft instructions and so on. also, keep thrift and craft store calanders in binder so as to know when the best sales are.

hand paint a few patches to see it it could be a totally beautiful idea or totally crappy. try to make a list of patches, do web research and find pretty hand painted stuff.

make it a point to go over to the west seattle antique mall and backstage thrift. also, go to the bins, hit up the bothell thrift store, look around for estate sales and flea markets

make a pair of anthropologie inspired short pants similar to the ones below..

xo c i a o